The bag.

I haven’t written in a long time. It’s been a whirlwind here – Viv being a busy body, us making time to see my in-laws and parents, a failed attempt to sell our house and move to a minifarm.. it’s a lot.

I wonder how much I do to avoid feeling.

Sometimes I get the feeling that if you don’t speak positivity, its viewed as you being emotionally immature or lacking clarity. Please don’t get it confused, it is not lost on me how incredibly blessed I am. Look at my kids. Look at my family. I always have enough food, I have a warm place to sleep, I have a vehicle, I don’t have to work a traditional job. I have my parents and my friends… Everywhere I look I can see a blessing.

But today I got Viv’s fall jacket out of the closet for the first time and behind it was LB’s preschool bag. It hasn’t been moved since his last day of preschool in March.

I was sad when I saw it.

I didn’t want things to change. I didn’t want preschool to be yanked away. I wanted the mothers day brunch, and the end of year program. I wanted him to finish up the curriculum there with his friends. I wanted the little art projects that were sent home each week during his 3 hour daily class. I wanted him to teach me new songs he learned.

I liked those things, and so did he. And they all evaporated immediately and unexpectedly.

I wanted our trips to the library, too. And our time playing at the play place at a fast food restaurant. I wanted him to do another session of swimming classes. I want church on sunday morning, and for LB to go to childrens church. I wanted to train at the gym with my trainer, Morgan, the last 2 months before she moved in May. I want to go to the gym now. I wanted him to go down the street to Kindergarten this fall with his friends. (And maybe homeschooling is better for us! But I’m still sad).

I know I’m supposed to be baking bread and talking about how happy I am that life slowed down. I’m supposed to say that the world had it all wrong and this is right. Blah blah blah this is great.

No. I mean first of all, people are dying so theres that. But even if they weren’t.. a lot of things that I thought were constant and sure evaporated. And we have adjusted and as far as pandemics go – we have been super blessed.

But I’m still sad.

I miss packing that little preschool bag.

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