Writing about my anxiety helps me make light of daily stresses and feel more grateful. I was a little hesitant to publish this one, but here goes nothing:
Picture it: Huntington 2011 (i love golden girls 😂).
One of my first thoughts when i decided to hustle up some summer classes and finish my BS in chemistry a semester early was “I can’t wait until a life without homework”.
I hated college and vowed to never go back to school. Because it never ended – classes ran into other classes ran into study groups ran into labs. It was so much pressure, so many hours of dedication… ONE mistake could ruin everything back then. I was over it and I wanted time to live my life.
When I first started my first job as a chemist I was amazed at how nice it was to leave work – even if it was a long day … and be DONE until the next day. Or be DONE all weekend.
It was absolutely amazing to not have work following me around like a shadow. My anxiety was way down. Life was simpler.
Then i became a mom, which is like getting a PhD in overworking. It’s honestly like college on crack cocaine. Someone took college and gave it Percocet, molly Percocet to make it the Mask Off version of being stressed. It never ends. From the time I wake up until I fall asleep the anxiety of things I need to do crushes me. I was used to it with just LB (and Alaila when she’s here) but adding Viv to the game let me know how out of shape i am in this mad dash that is motherhood.
Anytime I think I may get a second of silence or peace, one of the kids is crying for me. It makes me jumpy and anxious all day long.
Both kids also ignore any other human lifeform but me. Only I exist. Only I can give hugs or answer questions or be a playmate. Everyone else in this world is apparently incompetent in their eyes. LB will straight ignore friends and his own father to get an extra 15 minutes in my personal space. 12 hours isnt enough. And Vivian is now fairly mobile and hitting. Honestly I need a restraining order against both of my tiny stalkers.
Even if I DO get a second of peace I spend half of it wondering when it’s going to get interrupted. When will I hear the crying. (Sometimes I even imagine it – those damn phantom shower cries!) When will I turn around and be scared crapless by LB, who has snuck up on me. Or I’m going through a mental list of all the things I need to do but haven’t (showering is usually on that list).
I am so exhausted sometimes I doze off while playing pretend with LB for the 100th time during a day. Sometimes I fall asleep putting Vivian down for her naps, too. But it doesn’t matter – because after 4 minutes of LB not seeing me he runs up the stairs into her room – waking both of us and starting the process all over.
Honestly – LB likes me more than I even like myself. I’m not even that interesting. Why is he always following me around ?
And full disclosure? I lucked up on the worst spacing ever for children. If I had planned Viv I would have planned her for when LB was starting kindergarten. Having a baby when your older child is young enough to still be home (and obsessed with you) but old enough to go nonstop for 12 whole ass hours a day with no nap is the dumbest thing that could have ever happened to me. It should be against the law. Honestly, who has my voodoo doll and what did I ever do to you?? Pull some stuffing out the stomach part, put it in the booty area and LEAVE ME ALONE.
Speaking of being left alone, Viv still says no to the bottle and all pacifiers. Basically she says no to anything but my boob. (No, I don’t want bottle suggestions. We have tried them all and I’m on to sippy cups next week.)
Jokes aside, there is no shelter from the weathering that motherhood is doing on my spirit. Each day I battle to not lose a little more of myself and hope that things will ease up.
I wanted to blog these feelings because they are true. And because anytime a mom says stuff like this out loud we are told we HAVE to be grateful for everything. We WILL miss this. We ARE lucky.
As a second time mom I can tell you at no point did I EVER miss cleaning 💩 off LBs butt. Never did I ever miss him throwing up down my back. I didn’t miss trying to carry a heavy ass car seat. And that’s just the “that 💩 i don’t like” infancy highlights.
Yes love your kids yes cherish it blah blah blah but there are parts of each stage of motherhood that are amazing and fun, and parts that just suck.
I’m over here contemplating getting my old job back just to get a nanny because motherhood is too hard right now 🤣. The cute grins from Viv and snuggles from LB help a lot, but I still need a break. And with no family around, breaks that don’t cost babysitter cash are few and far inbetween. And those breaks have to be after vivs bedtime (because boobs… no bottles for her) and I’m really too tired by then half the time anyway.
I don’t need words of encouragement. I know it won’t always be like this. Just stand with me in solidarity. Let me know I’m not alone in these trenches.
Oh, and pray for ya girl. 🗣 IM TIRED.
I love my family. But I never wanted to take work home. Now home is work. It all runs together and never ends.